Before my daughter was born, I decided I wanted to breastfeed. I had a lot of self doubt about my ability to carry it out though. It seemed so natural, right? That's the way a baby should eat and our bodies make the food, so why shouldn't it be a piece of cake? A few of my friends had a very hard time with it, so it made me aware that it wasn't as easy as I was hoping.
When Emily was born, she was a champ nurser. We definitely both had to learn from each other, work together and we had our fair share of ups and downs. During those early weeks, it was incredibly hard. It was SO painful, and it wasn't because she had a bad latch or position, it was just my boobs getting used to having a vacuum on them at all times. I can remember nursing sessions where Emily's head would be wet from my tears because it was so incredibly painful and defeating. "When will I ever enjoy this?" I thought. "I am a horrible mother for not being able to fix this" is something Danny heard many times. By two weeks I was in a complete fog and I remember talking to my friend and asking her how long she breastfed for. She told me 6 weeks and I felt like I could NEVER make it that long. But we did. I just kept feeding her.
Those two weeks turned into 9 and that's when we found out Emily had a milk protein allergy and severe reflux. We went to two different pediatricians who basically told me to stop breastfeeding and put her on formula. After seeing blood in Emily's diapers, and living through her screaming 24/7 for the first two months, hearing this was devastating. I thought I would be hurting her by not switching to formula. I cried at the thought of not being able to breastfeed her anymore. We had worked so hard to get there, and I didn't want to let it go. Due to sheer desperation, one night we decided to see if she would take the bottle of formula. I cried inconsolably as I mixed it up. I was not ready to do something I didn't feel was right for us and I was about to throw all of our hard work away. I tried to give her the bottle, but she just cried harder and harder. I can still remember the overwhelming motherly instinct in me that was telling me to put down the bottle and put her at my breast. All she knew was me. All she wanted was me. And that's what I gave her. At that moment, despite pediatricians and even family members telling me to do otherwise, I knew we would push through with breast feeding.
In order for Emily to get better, I had to become dairy free with my diet. I had to cut out eating almost everything I was used to and learn how to adapt to a new diet. Because of this, I lost 20 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight. I looked and felt awful and my sanity was gone, but I came second to being able to feed my daughter. Over the next year and a half, we went through many other breastfeeding obstacles like mastitis and intra ductal yeast. We pushed through it all.
After 18 months of being dairy free, Emily was finally able to handle dairy through my diet again, so I was able to eat normally. Funny how things happen though, because the only thing I eat now that has dairy is cheese. I found much healthier alternatives for all other dairy items.
I am proud to say, we are almost at two years and still going strong with breastfeeding. So when you see me talk about breastfeeding, or being proud of still breastfeeding, you now know the struggles we faced to get here. I kept my daughter alive and thriving with my own body. Only I had the parts to feed her. It was not an easy road, but I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful I made the best decision for our family. I feel blessed that I had the best support system in my husband and my mother. I now know why I was handed this path and it was to help others through the same struggles. Mothers now come to me for breastfeeding and allergy advice. Me! The same person who was crying for days on end at week two thinking she couldn't do it anymore. I firmly believe God hands us things in our paths, so when we reach the other side, we can reach back with outstretched arms to pull the next mother through the hard times.
If you are reading this and are struggling with breastfeeding, or a fussy baby due to food allergies, please know you are not alone. I would love to help you and you WILL make it through. I promise.
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